Posted in my writing, Uncategorized

Part 2: Middle ground

No Prince kissed the Princess awake. She woke up alone, blurry eyes, mouth dry.

She was so cold.

The cold flooded her whole body, gooseflesh chased up her arms and her shoulders.

She was so tired.

She sat up shakily in her room, surrounded by her material loves and items she should cherish. But she had never felt so empty.

She was an empty shell, she felt as if something had used it claws to tear out all of the good parts, and the bad parts. Leaving nothing behind.

She felt like nothing.

This feeling continued. Her father would not so much glance in her direction, or breathe in the same room she was occupying. It caused him too much pain, so she heard.

Her animals could no longer amuse her or occupy her thoughts, her studies no longer gripped her, her skills and training merely exhausted her, it was a temporary release, but she had nothing to fight for. She found any immediate task a huge duty, despite craving a distraction from the empty feeling inside.

Then, all of a sudden, the feeling stopped, the coldness was everlasting, the tiredness weakening her every move.

She hated this, she loathed feeling like this, being here surrounded by pain, so, one night, she left.

No goodbyes were said, no ceremonies took place, no belongings were packed. She faded away with the oncoming sun, just because she could.

 

 

 

 

There were many rumours about the lost Princess. According to the people, because the peoples word was power, she had died, eloped, run away or maybe there wasn’t a princess at all.

She didn’t lose everything, she gave it up. And she was happy.

It was no longer coldness the plagued her, she felt the suns heat on her face, she was enveloped with small moments of tender happiness bloomed bright in her once empty chest.

She now lived in a much smaller kingdom, poorer in wealth too. Nevertheless, it was wealthy in spirit and hope too.

Every time spring began she was able to watch the sun rise over the small town outside the kingdom and watched its reflections off many windows like a thousand lights and she thought that this is what being  peace was.

Because she was at peace.

Because she was allowed to have a choice.

She had allowed herself to leave, she was allowed to be what she wanted to be, because she didn’t know who she was. She knew what she had to be:

    THE BEST

And she was the best, she was the best she could be. But she no longer wanted to push herself into being moulded to what other people wanted her to be. She was going to be what she wanted, and on her own terms, she was going to show them all.

 

 

 

Posted in Thoughts, Uncategorized

Pre-Uni worries.

To my lovely readers,

I am venturing into the unknown as of Sunday 18th September to the terrifying and invigorating phenomenon that is known as University. AKA the place where your card may decline and you may become an alcoholic, or you strive for success.

But given the fact that I am one of the first women in my family to actually be going to university, I figured I would torture myself while entertaining you with a list of pre-uni/freshers week worries.

  1. FRESHERS WEEK
  2. GETTING DRUNK WITH STRANGERS. While some may thrive some may fall and I refuse to fall flat on my face with people who may not help me home.
  3. Making new friends
  4. How much bleach does on person need?
  5. Do I need to buy a toaster or will we end up with 8 different toasters?
  6. How much money do I need to spend a week?
  7. Will I actually enjoy my lessons or nah?
  8. What about vegetables?
  9. WILL I EAT VEGETABLES???
  10. MONEY
  11. MONEY
  12. MONEY
  13. Will this be worthwhile in the long run?
  14. The idea of sex during Freshers week freaks me out. Its too much pressure to actually socialise with other people let alone getting off with them.
  15. WILL THIS BE WORTH IT?

I probably have a lot more fears than that but rather than bore you all I think I will just keep you posted by the end of Freshers week.

Otherwise, see you then my darlings.

Posted in Thoughts, Uncategorized, writing tips

Inspiration

Just putting this here for inspiration and understanding. Sometimes as a writer I need a kick up the arse and this is it.

You write because you have an idea in your mind that feels so genuine, so important, so true. And yet, by the time this idea passes through the different filters of your mind, and into your hand, and onto the page or computer screen — it becomes distorted, and it’s been diminished. The writing you end up with is an approximation, if you’re lucky, of whatever it was you really wanted to say. – Author Khaled Hosseini, “How to Write,” the Atlantic.

Posted in my writing, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Prompt: Storm

Storm

I do not just have a storm dancing in my ribcage. It is much more than that.

I am the Storm.

The Storm is in my fatigue, my laziness, my ambition and my sunny mornings.

It is in my acne riddled skin and in my wants and my aims and in the palms of my hands.

The Storm is in my words and actions and my choices.

The Storm is in everything I am and everything I do.

I am the Storm.

Watch me drown you.

 

Posted in Thoughts

Part 1: Losing

Once upon a time, there was a talented, brilliant, Princess. She was the only daughter of the beloved King and Queen and enjoyed the attentions of men and women alike. She insisted that she was extremely happy.

But being the only daughter and the only Princess came at a price. She had the responsibility and immense pressure of being the best and only the best. She was to have no faults. Her mother and father pushed her to excel in all of her academic lessons, she was to know more languages than one could count on both their hands, she was to be able to solve any sum, care for any animal and to win at any sport. She had no limitations in what she wanted to learn, as long as she succeeded.

During the day she was confident, brilliant and witty, but at night, her terrors was haunt her relentlessly. They terrorised her with venomous thoughts about what would happen if she wasn’t the best. She would be known as a disappointment, abandoned and humiliated. She had no one to confide her troubles so she kept them hidden away in her dreams.

Until one unfortunate day, when her mother died. Her death devastated the whole kingdom, but none more so than her father, who loved her more than all of the loves of kings and husbands combined. He became cold and desolate. A wasteland where flowers would no longer bloom. He would not be comforted by anyone, including his only daughter.

He merely brooded over her achievements and made sure that she had no faults.

Her fears and night terrors grew heavy and could no longer be contained in the night but was felt and kept in her mind and her bones. Festering in her body.

Her hands would shake and her legs quiver. After her lessons she would abandon any social interaction and hide in her room. Sometimes she would curl herself into a corner and would wish to vanish into the walls, never to be bothered again.

Her father did not talk to her or notice his daughter’s state.

One day, she visited the physician and he gave her special medication that would stop the shaking and calm her heart and clear her mind. This worked for some time, the Princess was able to go through the notions with a calm if uncaring mind.

But soon it wasn’t enough.

She kept taking the medicine but the affect was not what she hoped for, she wasn’t cured. She wasn’t normal. She didn’t stop panicking, she was still frightened of using her voice.

Her father did not acknowledge her existence and behaved horrifically towards his kingdom. Taxing them for the emotional pain he believed he had suffered despite his lack of recognition of his daughter’s suffering.

So, she kept taking the medicine, and she kept taking and taking.

Until she took too much.

And she nearly lost everything.

 

 

 

To be continued.

 

Posted in LGBT, review, Thoughts

Thoughts on the “Kill the Gay” Trope.

Otherwise known as the Bury Your Gays Trope, heavily featuring the CW show “The 100” and Sally Green’s Half Life Series which reached its end 31st March 2016. If you don’t like spoilers, for your own safety, exit this web page.

If you are following the CW show “The 100” then you would’ve witnessed the controversial death of Lexa in the episode “13”, even though I don’t watch the show myself, even I was deeply dismayed by the implications of her death, so soon after she and Clarke reconciled, one of the most shocking facts was that it happened in the space of 1 minute 10 seconds and ended due to a “stray bullet”.

Lexa’s death follows worryingly close to the trope of on-screen lesbians dying; especially if they have experienced an epiphany or moment of happiness. Lexa’s death, while being beautifully portrayed by Alycia Debnam Carey hurt many in the LGBTQA+ community, especially as Clexa was seen as a beacon of positive representation that was forcibly take away. Which suggests that a woman in a relationship with another woman is going to end badly, and it could also make room for a hetero love interest! The Kill The Gay Trope is heteronormative, especially when the writers and creator’s had promoted the relationship and championed it as two LGBT women in places of power and then chose to obliterate it.

Even though the writer released an overdue apology to the show’s fan base, it leaves most of us wondering which direction the show runners are going to take next, the blog post is worth a read:

View story at Medium.com

“The thinking behind having the ultimate tragedy follow the ultimate joy was to heighten the drama and underscore the universal fragility of life. But the end result became something else entirely — the perpetuation of the disturbing “Bury Your Gays” trope. Our aggressive promotion of the episode, and of this relationship, only fuelled a feeling of betrayal.”

Well, he got that right.

Lexa’s controversial death lead to an outcry from the fandom, and lead to fandoms fearing what happens to their OTP’s and Ships, particularly the same sex ones. We should not have to live in fear about what happens to our favourite characters just because of their sexuality, even though the creators assure us that their sexuality has nothing to do with their fate, I call bullshit. Instead of claiming that you didn’t view their sexuality at their identity, maybe jus do kill those characters off without a logical reason?

Which leads me to my next rant on Sally Green’s last book in the Half Life Trilogy: “Half Lost”, well after reading it, Nathan wasn’t the only one who was half lost.

As well as Gaybaiting the reader’s who put their time and money into this series, Green left us with an unsatisfying ending. Our beautiful angel, Gabriel was killed from, you guessed it, a stray bullet. Almost immediately after they finally came together, and were the “soulmates” the author always believed and convinced us they would be, while ripping that ideal world from under our feet.

Like Rothenburg, Green also felt the need to publish why she made certain decisions in a long ass Tumblr post. Which can be read here: http://sallygreenhalfbad.tumblr.com/post/142124742984/half-bad-trilogy-what-its-all-about

The author began the series in a pleasing way, with a well-rounded POC who suffers from PTSD and mental illnesses; verging into amazing scenarios in which representation was well overdue, but she didn’t fulfil her promise. She claimed not to see “sexual orientation” or “race” but she was dismissive of it rather than lacking in labels.  She also lamented in writing a world where she gave women more power, but suppressing them in order to present how society is “f*****d up”, as well as killing off nearly all of them for no apparent reason, such as Van who was an extremely powerful witch, there was no logical way that she could’ve died.

On one hand we can understand that she wanted a more realistic approach about how war can affect someone, and the effects of Nature vs. Nurture, but if you are keeping it realistic, don’t force your protagonist to not lament and enjoy his part in saving society and force him to turn into a tree for his guilt, and don’t force him to befriend his abuser? Because there is a difference between forgiving them and befriending them, this also makes for a highly unrealistic ending in her “realist” world.

Green also comments that “Gab was an angel, he showed that you didn’t need to be fucked up”, then why kill the reason that Nathan didn’t need to be fucked up, and by doing so, promptly fucking him up? Even though she claimed that Nathan wasn’t suicidal, he was just more at peace with the earth, his ending still had drastic effects on readers who may be struggling with similar difficulties and seeing this strong character succumb to the pain does not bode a hopeful ending for the readers, even if this isn’t what she was aiming for, as she wanted to produce a “war story”

Another problem is the fact that Green wanted the series to end up as a tragedy, it could’ve been but without killing off nearly all of your non-hetero characters! Even though she claims to understand;

“that having no positive endings for non-heterosexual characters in fiction is a problem. I admit I wasn’t aware of this at the time I wrote HALF LOST. I was aware of the too many unrealistic happy endings problem, but of course, these stories don’t have bi or gay protagonists. “

She also goes on to state that the whole series was always going to be a tragedy from the epitaphs from Hamlet, Wilfred Owen and in the last book Solzhenitsyn, yes because we are going to look deeply into those tags and realise that this series will be a tragedy from the off, or maybe we did and hoped she would not take it in that direction.

All that needs to be said is that an author has the role for the audience to be culturally aware, even though she wasn’t aware of the Bury Your Gay Trope she should have done her homework, even though it is obvious she wanted to break the mould and write a different YA story, she didn’t appreciate the wider cultural context and the impact her ending would’ve had on her audience, like Lexa’s death in The 100.

Even though she intended her book to be read differently, all I saw was that if you are LGBTQA+, you don’t get a happy ending, she mislead the audience who may have thought that they were reading a different YA novel with actual representation and a hopeful ending, but it turned out to be another tragic gay romance.

To conclude, if an author or a creator failed in the duty to be culturally aware, and feel the need to kill off a character who they know had a big impact on their audience, then expect there to be consequences. The reason audiences may feel this way id because of the lack of ideal representation in previous years, and now that it is finally in the open, killing off these characters is the worst thing to do, especially since the representation is already fragile.

Anyway, I would love to hear your thoughts so please leave a comment.

Love, Davina.

 

 

 

 

Posted in review, Uncategorized

Book Review: All the Bright Places

If you are looking for a review that praises ‘All The Bright Places’, then you are in the wrong place.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed aspects of the book. The idea of writing about a teenage boy experiencing depression was wonderous, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it from that perspective, it was a unique insight, and you could tell that the author had done her research as mental health was represented amazingly, rather than romanticised.

Violet and Finch’s love story was told through all of the bright places in their life, which was a romantic notion, all of the die-hard The Fault in Our Stars fan would love it. It was emotional, and some of the places they travelled to I even enjoyed, but it was an obvious cliché, but do you abhor cliches? They’re fun, that’s why they are cliches because they can be enjoyed.

I also enjoyed the way she presented how a person grieves through Violet, the rawness and the excuses were poignant and beautifully written, but in all honesty, I hated Violet with all my being. I appreciated how she managed to make something of herself while grieving for her sister, and I enjoyed reading about her moving on. However, I did not become attached to her emotionally, I didn’t care about what happened to her. I’m glad she found the strength to move on, but that was it. I can’t explain why I didn’t like her, maybe I saw too much of myself in her, or maybe I didn’t see anything in her personality that made me wish to like her and care about her.

The romance between Violet and Finch, while heartfelt, was unnecessary, it shows a young adult audience that the only way someone who is grieving and suffering from depression can find hope is through loving someone romantically when I don’t think they were in the right mental state for a relationship. If the author had kept the relationship platonic, familial almost, there may have been even better character development, why promote the trend in which a man and a woman can’t just be friends? Why not show a relationship where they can hold hands and be affectionate and love each other without bringing lust into it?

What was ultimately sad about the book is that Finch and Violet being romantically involved made them okay for a short time, but this just shows that the only way people can be happy is when someone makes you happy, why not show that you have to make your own happiness, write about the battle to being what makes you happy, rather than relying on the fragile happiness that someone gives you.

I was also irritated by the way Finch’s story ended, he was a beautifully written character with flaws, he was someone that if whoever read this book, they would be able to find themselves in him. He had quirks and flaws, and while having a mystifying aura, he was one of the most realistic people in the novel, not that I am saying Violet was unrealistic, I just didn’t relate to her in the way I related to Finch. Finch was the epitome of a damaged teenager, horrible parents who only cared about the idea of him, rather than wholly him. Bullied and called a freak for being slightly different, and irreversibly damaged with a fear of being labelled. I hated Finch’s ending because it really made me lose hope, I felt like his ending was used to help Violet develop into the person she became at the end of the book, to become the strong woman who lost the most important people in her life, to become someone to look up to. But what about looking up to Finch for admiration? He deserved a chance, he deserved a better ending than what he was given. I’m not saying he should have fully recovered, I’m saying that the people reading this book who may be suffering from depression may wish to see that there is hope. However, I can also appreciate the idea that the writer ended the book this way to show how devastating depression and suicide can be.

This book deflated me, I was making excuses so I didn’t have to read it, but I cannot bare to leave a book unfinished. I kept hearing reviews saying that this book changed lives, I can only say that it dragged mine down. I suppose in the midst of the Romeo and Juliet situation the characters found themselves in, the book had a real message which the author left at the end of the book. I didn’t want a happy ending, but I wanted a hopeful ending for all the characters, but the book paid homage to the Fault in our Stars trend.
I am a thorough believer that you may be able to appreciate books at different places in your life, I may reread this book next year and actually relate to it that time round as my mindset may be in a different place. But I am conscious that we are in the present, so I am leaving this book with 2 out of 5 stars.
There is no denying that the author is an incredibly talented writer and a very understanding person with regards to mental illnesses, but this book just wasn’t my cup of coffee, but that does not mean that it is not yours.

Love From, Davina

Posted in Uncategorized, writing tips

Time Managment

First blog post take one:

Book writing is really complicated, some people think that its really easy and only takes a few moments and a few ideas.

But they do not understand the clusterfuck idea of the writing world. But then again, neither do I, but I will soon find out.

As well as writing being a passion for whoever, most people also have to juggle their lifestyles along with finding time to write.

For example, I am still in school/college, I have a part time job, and I am a apart of a very busy, working family. At the moment, my writing time is being taken up with coursework and family and social life. Which is sometimes an annoyance, but also a blessing in disguise.

Even though you want to be a writer, it does not mean that you should sacrifice your social life, or lack of one. It doesn’t mean you should sacrifice doing what you want to do in the moment.

Whoever might be reading this may be in a different position to me, they may be young or old, they may also work a full time job trying to get through the year. And that’s okay.

For me, writing is a way to vent, to release any pent up emotions. If im angry, upset, frustrated, or just stuck inbetween, I write.

Its really hard to juggle multiple things in your life, especiialy while trying to write your first novel or whatever. The key is time management.

What I usually use (during school, home and writing) are to-do lists.

To-Do lists are a godsend, a miracle worker.

With to do lists, you can plan out your day, plans for work, for social moments, the next chapters of your novel, character types or personalities, whatever you want. The choice is yours.

You can use any type of to-do lists you want:

  1. Paper form: Treat yourself to a really nice notebook specifically for to-do lists, as long as you are inspired to do them. Use colours, be superorganised and use time frames, do what ever you want. Just Plan. But do not get stressed out if you end up doing Monday’s list on a Thursday, just make sure you get the jobs done.
  2. Electronic form: If you feel like being modern and having everything on your phone or laptop, I recommend Wunderlist.

wunderlistWunderlist is a free app you can download from any app store or you can use online. This app lets you compose lists, you can make up your own, or you can just add things into your inbox to do, and when its done, you tick it and it vanishes from your inbox. I can literally feel my stress fading away when I tick the square box.

Goodbye Days of Procrastination.

Another tip is writing when you want to write, which sounds repetitive but it really means that if you are not in the right mind-frame to write, or you would rather do anything else, or if you’re ill, then DO NOT WRITE.

You will most likely hate what you produce if you have not got the motivation to do it.

I hope these time managing tips help you, but I am not at a liberty to tell you what to do, so if you have any tips for me or any different ways to manage your time, please share!

I hope that your writing time is no longer a stressful time.

Happy Writing!